WAR HAS CHANGED EVERYTHING! How to build the future today — explained by a psychologist in the #wartobuild podcast

Friends, hello. My name is Yani Nina Sokolova. This is our podcast. Today we are talking about the new reality of life. It will no longer be like it was in the past.

I'm talking about wars. The way it is now will no longer be the same. Well, I mean, things will change, but living in the past and hoping that everything will return to the way it was after the war is not worth it. This is shortsighted and a bit stupid.

But our food is everything, well, we live, we are human, we must have hope, we must have some kind of picture that we build for ourselves, because, well, we need to recharge with something, you tell me, Yanina, what to do with it. Iryna Kabardinova Zelinska is next to me, and this is our psychologist.

And, by the way, I traditionally remind 5522, call Monday, Friday, talk to a psychologist, it gets easier. Ir, I'm very glad to see you.

We have n't seen each other in a long time, actually. Ira is a military wife, so like no one else, she understands all the intricacies of what is happening now both at the front and in civilian life. In addition, well, psychologists who work with civilians and with cancer patients in particular.

We need to hold on to something, not just, well, relying on the environment of loved ones, a husband, children, work, but we need to somehow picture in our heads the world we will live in when all this shit is over. How do you, as a psychologist and as a military wife and as a mother, model this for yourself? What is the correct approach to modeling this picture? whatever you want or don't want.

Well, we are especially women. It's probably especially in women's heads. And actually, you know, it's cool to be able to model and fantasize and plan. And first of all, there is this great Israeli psychologist, and he talked about how one of these resource channels is both planning and fantasizing.

Ugh. Imagine, it's more convenient for someone to plan. I'll do this, that, that, yes, planning steps. Someone has an imagination.

I see myself there on the seashore. And it's a really cool thing to be able to do things differently in your life, because despite everything, despite all the horrors, it's important to know that the future will come and you need to plan for it. Absolutely right.

It's just that everyone will have their own picture of this. What do you rely on when you plan this? And I wouldn't want people to be disappointed. Honestly, it will be very difficult.

Very difficult. And from a psychological point of view, from a financial point of view, from a material point of view. It will be very difficult for the country.

And there is one more psychological point that you can check for yourself right now. You say: "This really works." What you're saying now is what I'm judging by myself. Look, for example, the Rosaki have not been shelling Kyiv for a while.

Yes. Well, for example, I'm on my own and you're already, damn it, sitting around and waiting. Yes. And you're waiting, waiting all the time.

You might not even be able to sleep because of what you expect. You can wake up, look at your phone. And if ballistics are flying, well, it's interesting that this hasn't happened before.

We used to have a MiH 31K, it was kind of like, ah, training. And then, when there were several such powerful blows, we realized that this guy could, as if he was not only training there, but he could also be doing something else. And the brain recorded it there.

And now it's just ballistics, especially at night. That's it, you're not sleeping anymore, drone attack. You understand that ballistics could happen next, because they did it that way, and you ca n't sleep either.

So, I'm talking about how to tune in, tune yourself in, or, as you said correctly, we have such an opportunity, such happiness to fantasize. Anyone who can do this is absolutely wonderful.

And women fantasize more, sometimes even over-fantasy. How can I draw this for myself so that I don't end up deeply disappointed? This actually applies to both military and civilian personnel. Because the boys and girls who will later return here from the Iro front, they too, perhaps, are now hoping for something, but it may not happen.

And it's cool if realistic people look at their peers and scan: "Oh, yeah, so it could happen to me too? And what if not? Well, in short, it's a very large layer, it's all individual, but there are some common things - actually, there's an understanding of reality, what is reality now? There's an understanding of my capabilities. And regarding, you know, fantasizing, I'll just recall a conversation with one of the adult cancer patients, or, conversely, the parents of children who have cancer.

We ask what you'll do during the day when you return home after treatment. What do they say? Honestly, I'll give the child to the grandparents and sleep. I'll sleep for two days.

In the same way, we ask a teenager: "When will the treatment end? What will you do at home? " "I'll go to McDonald's." And the same for the civilian population regarding the war, what will you do on the day the war ends, on the first day? This is planning, this fantasy, it will be real. It will be different for everyone.

Hmm, it's an interesting thing. And how would you answer, what will you do? And you know, I'll take my husband, I'll buy tickets, we'll go on a trip. Yeah.

I just realized that we didn't travel with him. So our plane, suitcases and a trip, but then home. Of course, of course. By the way, there are many plans for the military and their wives regarding this option, which is really the majority.

The majority. And we will travel, we will see the world and calmly, with new strength, we will return to our country and rebuild it. But you know, and we will tell the truth.

Yes, this is also important. Travel for the sake of emotions, for the sake of travel and for the sake of seeing the world and showing ourselves that we are strong, we have survived, we we travel, return home and continue to build our lives. Tell me, what are your personal concerns, as a psychologist, in relationships between two people, a man and a woman, which can destroy them when the tension subsides.

Do you understand what I mean? That is, now we are in a certain tension, in certain circumstances, yes, and in anticipation. Well, of course, this is normal.

That is, we have complete non-partners, there is an enemy. There is a fan of the enemy, our former partner. A lot of things depend on just sitting down, sorry.

And you still know this, you know that he is again, that he will continue, that he has in his head, well, a sick person, he has this little point about Ukraine in his head. He will continue, because he will die if he does not continue.

He is there, in short, but there is still hope. And then this tension and all this will be gone. And what then? What concerns can there be in connection with this everyone? And in general, is it normal to make plans for after the war? Yes. And why should I give the right to my life, to my plans to someone else? You don't.

The thing is that in any case, no matter how difficult it was, I have to be strong. I don't have to fall into the state of a victim, that Putin or Trump or someone else will do something. I can be sad, I can get angry, I have to get angry, but I also want to be the one who decides something in my life.

And in that case, I have to be the one who plans. Planning really, right? Well, those things, uh, about relationships, yes, yes, which can be warnings when the tension subsides. Waiting for a man, for example, or a woman to return from the front.

Also an option. An option is also a test. Uh, because it was like that, it was like that for a very long time. Uh.

And now everything will be different. You know, I just thought about relationships in general. So they are such important things. In any case, it respect, this is trust, this is the desire to be with a person, the ability to rejoice, the ability to praise, the desire to spend time together.

If I understand about myself that for some reason I don't want to be together, that I have some wrong expectations, that it's hard for me to make another person happy, I would think about myself. and that changes have happened and they will happen.

But I think that it's important to rely on some very important things. And love, respect, affection, trust and understanding that in any case a person changes and I change, and the context has changed and it will still change. But there are some really basic things.

It seems to me that our, our, war, damn, sounds so wild. Our war, this is not our war, this is the war of these bastards, as Vakarchuk sang. Well, in the context of the fact that we didn't start it and we didn't want it.

But this war, it has litmused a lot in the world. It litmused a lot about entire nations, about, it would seem, powerful countries of their leaders. I would like this new reality of ours, it went, well, I mean after the war, yes, it went with an understanding of the path we have traveled and how much we are really a cool nation and how many really cool people we have.

And this would become the basis for raising a new generation, including. And this is how it sounds about the fact that we have to gain experience. Yes.

Yes. Well, what is now, that's what you and I are living in now. Many perceive this period as a period when you are under an injection, that is, under anesthesia. Well, anesthesia is us for ourselves.

Well, you're trash, but if you hold on, because there is an injection that will, well, someday it will, it can't last forever, someday it will end. You can already prepare for the moment when it will end, even if it is not known when it will happen.

I was right when I said, who can't have permanent anesthesia, and to regain responsibility, to regain feelings. What is anesthesia about? not to feel, not to have strong feelings, to think, to act in order to survive.

But it can't be like that all the time. To regain self-care, to regain relationships. Again, routine, sports, friends, communication, all that is important to us to feel small, small joys. I understand, it's hard to be happy under shelling, really, yes, but to regain your life, to feel, to be saturated, to have the strength to live on.

Anesthesia, it doesn't really give you much strength. It takes away a lot. Yes, it gives you such a feeling of tension, uh, action, but it also takes away a lot. And you know, in fact, reality for everyone now is different.

Why? Such a thing as the given meaning. For some, war is death, for some, a challenge. And the thing is what given meaning we give to our reality. And because of that, we act one way or another.

And how do you perceive it? Now it's a challenge. As a challenge? The first year really, I guess, despair, fear, despair, I don't know, something like that. Now it's really a challenge.

And thanks to the Armed Forces of Ukraine, because if they have the strength to fight and they do it, then why should I give up? The war changed a lot of things. It took off the masks and showed everyone as they really are.

And secondly, the muscularity of men who were photographed in gyms or just doing bench presses in fitness clubs, as if with all this on Instagram, is no longer associated with the fact that they are courageous, brave, as it was before the war. Well, to be honest, it is, because some of them hid or ran away.

And another very important point is relationships between people. That is, why are there so many divorces or, on the contrary, so many marriages? Because, well, everything, tomorrow may not be honest. But this experience that we have gained over all these years, I'm saying it now as if the war will end tomorrow, but, well, it just has to be, it continues.

And it continues in progress. Here I am I would really like him to teach us very important options psychologically. And I want to say it out loud now.

I had a discussion with some ideologists, philosophers, historians, and it was about the mentality of Ukrainians. And one of them, this historian and political scientist, and politician, and Oles said to her that look at me, I am a happy person.

Our country will benefit a lot from a person like me. First, who will I vote for? Second, why am I doing this? What do I want? And third, what can I give this country as an absolutely happy person. He said that the most that we have to build in Ukrainians and that has been built in many European countries that are at the top of the happiness rating, well, Sweden, Finland, is to be happy.

When a person wants to be happy, then he, well, if he is smart, then he produces a world around him that, in his opinion, will make others happy. And it's so subtle, damn, this strategy of even this IKA furniture, right? What's it about? It's not about a table, it's not about a light bulb.

Ira, well, it's really, it's kind of simple. It's simple, but it's about philosophy. of how you feel and how you should build your sense of happiness, because it is a value for you and you love yourself and love people. Damn, well, I've actually thought about this more than once, but it's cool.

Really, it's cool. It's so deep. And you're probably going to say to you now: "Yanina is crazy." No, but it really works. And these are very subtle matters that the state should actually deal with, understanding all these mechanisms, doing this whole story, as it were.

But we, as leaders through a large audience of such things, it seems to me, we should talk about it and discuss it. Yeah.

Probably, really act. Act. I listened to you, you know, they often say that I hope a psychologist will help me be happy. Yes, but the thing is that I am what you say, yes, I have to do something, I have to act, I have to make a choice to be happy, it's a very subjective, individual thing.

But, if I am happy, if I want to be this or that, it's about the fact that I have this value. After all, this value is to be who you want to be. I agree.

And it's about action. And it's about action. And it's a huge happiness to live in a country where there is freedom. And you are what you want.

Of course, there are many institutional problems in our country, but this is freedom that cannot be used for anything. And it seems to me that this desire for happiness, what we talked about today, has many branches.

Many branches. Well, that is, the understanding that you live in a country where there is no corruption. And you don't give a paw in the pool somewhere else.

It's just respect for yourself and happiness from being proud of yourself, that you are not participating in this diribani. And if many people think like that, if they think like that on the mountain and articulate it, then we are honest.

I am listening to you now, but I feel warm. I really feel such warmth even in my hands. This feeling of happiness. It is very cool.

Ira and I have told you everything we could. You write in the comments what you think about it. If there are topics that concern you, write in the comments as well. It is unusual that this podcast is on my YouTube, where we talk about socio-political topics.

But what we just talked about, what I talk about from time to time and what I want you to talk about with psychologists, is about each of you, which essentially shapes what is in our heads. But damn, it shapes who we vote for.

Do you understand? Responsibility, trust, happiness in this responsibility for yourself, for your country and for your choice. Think about it before you go to bed tonight and during the day if you watch us in the morning.

Ira, I was very happy to see you. I'll call. And call 5522 from Monday to Friday from 11 to 19. Subscribe to our channel. Here is the truth in different areas, no matter how uncomfortable it may be.