This Is Not Love. How to Recognize That Your Partner Is an Abuser: Psychologist’s Insights on Kostiantyn Temliak’s Case
Society is discussing, and we cannot remain silent. This week we meet with you again at an unusual time to talk about violence. On August 9, photographer Anastasia Solovyova published a post on her Instagram page, where she told her story of a long-term abusive relationship with actor Konstantin Temlyak.
According to Anastasia, for four years, Konstantin used physical and psychological violence against her. In particular, he raised his hand against her, controlled her correspondence, humiliated her, accused her of betrayal, and blackmailed her into committing suicide by threatening to end the relationship.
Anastasia supported her story with screenshots of correspondence, archival videos, photos, and voice messages from Konstantin. In addition, the girl also shared what rules she had to follow in this relationship in order to somehow reduce her partner's aggression towards her.
For example, she did not communicate with other men, wore closed clothes, and did not publish photos showing naked parts of her body. Anastasia explained that for a long time she couldn't dare to tell this story because of, and I quote, shame because he is a media person with authority.
And I have 1,000 followers and not enough evidence of violence. But because of the constant struggle with my anxiety, which almost drove me to suicide. Solovyova also published a post with evidence that in late 2023, Kostyantyn Temlyak sent a 15-year-old girl sexual messages, sent her own lustful messages, and asked her to send him intimate photos in return.
Later, a follow-up interview. According to the photographer, Instagram removed it due to complaints from users. Konstantin's response was not long in coming.
On the same day, he posted a video on his Instagram page, where he stated that he had repeatedly allowed himself to physically harm Anastasia by pushing her or squeezing her hand until it was bruised. He also noted, and I quote, that he is ready to bear legal, if there is grounds for filing a police report, and moral responsibility for this.
After apologizing, he noted: "It was a terrible period of our lives. It was a very unhealthy relationship. I did many things for which I am still very ashamed.
The actor also noted that this is not the only unhealthy relationship in his life. The story of domestic violence in the couple Anastasia and Konstantin is just one of many. According to Openata Bot, after the start of the full-scale invasion, the number of criminal proceedings on domestic violence is only increasing.
In 2024, there were 277 of them. In 75% of cases, it is women who seek help. However, these are only cases recorded by law enforcement agencies. And how many more victims do not dare to take this step? For example, the National Social Service Service of Ukraine in 2020 recorded over 211,000 applications for domestic violence.
The largest number of applications was from women, but 27,000 from men and over 2,500 from children. The editors of the League of Life speak out against any form of violence.
Moreover, I personally experienced psychological violence in my own life in previous relationships. I know how manipulation, jealousy and gaslighting are disguised as manifestations of care.
And it is very difficult to break this circle. So today we will talk about how to recognize and get out of abusive relationships. And Olena Bozhuk, a psychologist and candidate of medical sciences, will help us figure this out.
Olena, congratulations. Thank you very much for joining us. Congratulations. I am very glad to meet you today. Today we will talk about abusive relationships.
And, probably, many people are generally confused or do not fully understand what abuse is, because this is a word that came to us from the English dictionary. Yes, that is, these are violent actions.
We call it violence. And despite the fact that now this term abuse is used very widely and very often not where it should be, that is, they abuse it, It's hard for people to understand where there is toxic behavior, where there is abuse, and where there is just some normal relationship without manipulation, maybe some emotional inclination of one of the partners or something. That's why I want to ask you first to explain what violence is in general.
And since it comes in four forms, we usually say: physical, sexual, psychological or emotional, and also economic, then by what criteria can we recognize it? And in fact, we really have such a problem when people use this word inappropriately. quarreled at home.
Some kind of domestic quarrel is connected with the fact that they did n't understand each other. Oh, you're an abuser, you're an abuser. And this may be perceived less seriously later, when people encounter this problem somewhere later in life.
And that's why I really want to emphasize what is meant by abuse in all these areas. Let's start with such a direct type of physical violence, when, uh, another person is subjected to physical harm. And this does not only mean some kind of pushing, beatings, inflicting some kind of physical damage, but also physical violence refers to when a person is prevented from providing medical care to another person, but they need it.
They leave them in danger. And physical violence is when a person is held by force, for example, they take away the keys from the house, they do not let them go out, uh, they move them somewhere. And all this is included under the term of physical violence.
And unfortunately, in our Ukrainians, there is such a proverb that if you hit, then you love. And sometimes in our country it can be perceived as something even, well, trusting, then in relationships. This is manifested somehow on such a high note.
And there are other proverbs that are frowned upon, put up with. And people very often do not pay attention to certain moments. And violence develops gradually.
Never in life does an abuser enter a relationship on the high note of everything that he can offer. It all starts with small things.
And a person may not notice such small moments. And then it turns into a big problem, but this is only about the physical. Then, if we step forward, there is economic violence, eh, which is very obvious, when a person is not given money, card accounts are blocked, a credit card, cash is taken away.
However, it can be deeper, when they ask for reports, access, for example, to banking, where these 200 UAH were spent. Why was it bought so expensively? Or a very small budget is allocated and it absolutely does not cover the needs of a person, for example, receiving childcare there, etc.
And restrictions on benefits, when there is money, is also called economic violence. And the highest form is when a person is not given the opportunity to go to school and get a job. Because this is a direct link to the fact that she is forced to stay with the abuser and she cannot survive without him, because he is a source of money, security.
And so In this way, preventing people from going to work is also a manifestation of economic violence. In addition, there are other types of sexual violence, when, in principle, there is no rule of consent.
In our country, the rule of consent is when a person does not say no, but says yes. But she must confirm that she agrees to anything and it is absolutely okay to change her mind and touch, allow kisses, intimacy. And this can also be a reason for violence.
And besides, reproductive violence can be included in this section, when a person clearly states that, for example, she does not want children, wants to have so many children, she wants to have contraception in sexual relations. And this is clearly violated.
And this also belongs to, uh, sexual violence. And, unfortunately, this topic is also very difficult for us to perceive, because it seems that if the relationship is also official, then in principle there cannot be sexual violence, because it seems that there must be intimacy between partners, period. But in fact, I emphasize what we started with, the rules of direct consent apply here.
And if there was no consent, then this also falls within the scope of this definition. Psychological violence is, uh, this type, you know, it is a very subtle violence that is very difficult to recognize, because it consists of threads so woven from manipulation, from distortion of perception, from some kind of petty criticism, which, uh, is reinforced by praise. That is, everything goes together in such a combination.
And it gradually, gradually, gradually is used and eventually comes to such a, uh, term as gaslighting, when another person, uh, distorts the perception of the world of another person. And a person begins to doubt himself very much.
And psychological violence - it is impossible to say, to measure with a ruler, which of these forms of violence is the most harmful, because absolutely all of them are harmful. However, when psychological violence is also used, then usually such measures are used when victims in relationships, uh, are forbidden to communicate with friends, They forbid using slander against friends, relatives, colleagues, and thus cut off all social contacts.
And then a person loses the ability to check with the world at all on a certain topic. And this is the guylighting, that is, the distorted perception of the world, a person is given constant information in one sauce. And when there are no other sources of information, when there is no constructive dialogue with other people, a person stops doubting and really accepts it.
And usually in psychological violence this manifests itself in the fact that, if we take, for example, that the abuser is a man and the victim is a woman, then this can manifest itself in the fact that I am not needed by anyone, I am ugly, I am not smart, I will really never achieve anything in life on my own. Well, and this is the depth of the consequences, when self-esteem is completely broken, there is self-doubt and a person understands, well, where will I go? Then, well, nothing shines for me in life at all because I am not independent, I will not be able to do anything and will not be of any use to anyone at all necessary.
And therefore, it is better to have something familiar than something new, strange, and dangerous. Here is a brief summary of all types of violence. You mentioned intellectual violence.
What is this? Intellectual violence can be manifested in such banal phrases as: "Oh, what do you understand at your age? But listen to the elders. "But who told me?" Yes, that is, here is also added objectification, and uh about age, and in general about questioning some knowledge of a person.
And actually, even I, working at the university, was subjected to similar uh I can't say that this is violence, because violence should be uh of this plan, reinforced repeatedly. It was just a misunderstanding.
However, I suffered once in my life such an incident when I was teaching and came to the teaching, God, what is it called, uh rostrum to give a lecture to correspondence students. I was a novice teacher and I was about 22-23 years old.
And the students were correspondence students who were very adults and twice as old as me at most. And I heard: "Girl, move away, the teacher will come here now, don't take your seat, because now you will be in the way." This is what happens on a regular basis, contemptuously, right? When a person is denied and confronted there are some other facts, and you don't stop doing it. This can fall within the framework of intellectual violence.
And there are also different types of other violence, when a different religion is imposed, that your worldview is wrong, mine is right. You have to believe not in this truth, but in this truth.
Go to the wrong church, to another church. And that's why it can go into so much detail. But in general, the scheme is the same everywhere, right? When a person aggressively presses and changes the reality of another person. That is, I understand correctly that violence is essentially, firstly, a certain crossing of personal boundaries.
First. And secondly, it is also a certain barrier to a person having their own physical, emotional, economic, intellectual well-being. And actually the other person, well, we're talking about a partner today, yes, about domestic violence, actually, he doesn't let this well-being happen, because he violates it, encroaches.
From the point of view, we have a definition, This is not quite relevant to today's topic, but it will be appropriate, there is a definition of the World Health Organization, what health is. And there is a cool phrase there, that it is not the absence of some moments, but the presence of well-being.
And that is why, in fact, violence is not where there is no bad, but where good is allowed to grow. Well, and in fact, in situations of abuse, there is also very bad, and there is absolutely no well-being, human development and inspiration, when one person allows the development of the positive aspects of another person.
And all this, of course, develops very imperceptibly. And, well, you correctly noted that violence violates the boundaries of a person. And we have different boundaries, but again, physical, emotional.
With physical, of course, when someone suddenly approaches us on the street and takes our hand, we are clearly aware of it. That's not how it should be.
But with emotional, it is more difficult, because a person must understand their emotions and to understand what the emotion that has arisen now signals. And so when I consult women and we analyze stories of how they ended up in a relationship with a man who was violent, although it can be the exact opposite.
There are also women, abusers, men. But in my cases, it's usually women clients. That was the moment when they noted that on the first, second date he didn't do anything wrong. But here there was something like that, but I couldn't point it out to myself in any way.
And so I thought to myself, this is such a direct statement, yes, from a collective case of clients, that since he doesn't do anything wrong, it seems to me. But in reality we can get irritated, we can get disgusted, our psyche gives us certain signals through our emotions.
And for that it is very important to have such great emotional self-regulation, because when we don't notice our emotions, we can go to where our body and psyche have already signaled to us that there is no okay. Why not okay, it's still unclear.
That is, there are no objective points, he hasn't done anything wrong. But somehow it is felt in communication. And it is very important, uh, when forming relationships, to absolutely ask yourself the question: "Am I comfortable? Do I still want to continue the meeting? Do I, uh, want to open up, or do I feel good, because usually these questions are not asked and then these moments build up, build up, because well, I didn't do anything wrong, I'll go on a second date, I'll go on a third." But, uh, I would say that there are certain signs inside us.
what you talk about on the first dates. But when violence develops into such a regular action of the partner towards you, then you also internally feel certain feelings by which you can determine that something is wrong. What will these markers be, there are red proportions, call it whatever you want, signals.
What can we talk about? You know, maybe we are now seen by women or men who think to themselves somewhere that, probably, there is violence in the relationship, but deny it, because, well, as you already said, for example, emotional violence, it is very not obvious, it is very much masked behind care, concern, uh, such manifestations of love, such as, for example, jealousy is very often confused with manifestations of love. So, according to your own feelings and states, how can you recognize that you are in a violent circle? I will tell you many signs.
And, of course, when many signs converge, this may indicate the presence, but when only one of the signs is present, of course, we, as we assume the diagnosis, can assume, perhaps, we need to be careful here, but this does not mean anything yet. Therefore, one of the signs, uh, this is the first red flag, when, uh, the relationship begins with excessive idealization of us.
So we enter into a relationship and we can hear: "You are the best person I have ever met, but this is said in the 2nd hour of the meeting or at the second meeting, when it is still impossible to get to know each other really deeply." And all this is reinforced by the fact that you are the most beautiful, the smartest there, but everyone was like that to you and very bad words are used. And this is such an elevation to a pedestal, this can be a sign that can attract other signs.
And then we can say that perhaps there are hints of violent behavior here. Why is this done? Because, uh, a person includes such a concept as a marshmallow show, a sugar show, when you need, uh, very quickly, uh, to take over a person's entire imagination, all of their perception. And all sorts of tricks are done.
Why? Well, because usually people who show violence, uh, not usually, I'll say it more correctly, often one of the personal manifestations when a person shows violence can be borderline personality disorder. And people with borderline personality disorder are not like that, really.
They can't be so sugary and so marshmallow. And they have to put on a mask, and this mask is oppressive. You can't walk with it for a very long time.
And so you have to do all this beautiful work extremely quickly, because it's impossible to continue. Still, you want to bark somewhere, shout somewhere, knock something somewhere, but then, uh, the victim will already explain, probably, he's tired today, probably, he didn't get enough sleep.
Well, life is so complicated. And these are also the next red flags when something goes wrong. And we start to justify it through a prism. All people have troubles.
I could have provoked this behavior somewhere, that he threw a cup at the wall. Maybe I should have responded somehow calmer or, well, really, sleepless nights, we all have some psycho-emotional problems now. That is, we start to justify it all because in the beginning he was like this or she was.
And that's the trick, it's specifically called that term. and the sugar show because it's a special trick, when everything is too illusory, too romanticized, in order to confuse us even more later. Well, the next red flags in relationships, when they very quickly offer to get together.
And there are such stories. Why do I say that each individual case needs to be considered and not be sad that this is violence? Because there are wonderful cool stories when people met, got together in two weeks, lived together for 40 years, and they are happy. There are such stories, but if it's all a pile, a pile, a pile, a pile, then you need to be more careful about this.
And now, uh, the next criterion is forcing the relationship, because the mask doesn't last long and you have to force it, because then, well, some negative signs will appear. If we see each other rarely, if there is no intensity of feelings, then a person can very quickly leave this relationship.
And so it can be let's eat or a declaration of love in two weeks. Well, from the point of view of the psychology of relationships, it's abnormal, because we haven't yet gotten to know the other person's personality. It's just a wrapper.
It's impossible to love. Yes, it can be in love, it can be dopamine going off the charts, but it's not about love yet. And the next step is to try to get married.
There's been two months of a relationship, marry me. This is also, well, here these signs. And then there are many others, which are already coming as if we start from the surface and start diving deeper and deeper, when gaslighting is used. And there are such moments on this topic that I would like to recommend a wonderful film called Gazllay, gaslight.
Actually, this film is where this term began to appear, uh, where it is a very old black and white film, where such tricks are used. I will give you a scene from the film to show what gaslighting looks like in the mouth, when a young, beautiful wife enters the house, they start living together, and the husband shows her around the apartment and she looks at the interior and says: "What a wonderful picture." And he looks at her like this, says: "What a picture, there is nothing here.
You're a strange person, let's move on." And she: "Hee-hah, hee-hah, there's a picture, but it's such a wonderful evening, why argue here. She passes by again, they come down the same corridor, she says: "The picture is hanging, she sees something." But he looks: "Hmm, apparently, you have a heat, there is no picture here.
You behave so strangely a second time." Uh, for the third time, well, it's a conditional metaphor, not necessarily. This is the third, uh, she's already seeing that picture, the movie "The Emotion of Horror" is being shown.
And she's already silent about it, because she sees that the picture is there and clearly something is not okay with it, because he doesn't see it. And, therefore, the problem lies in it.
And then the fourth, fifth time she sees that picture, she starts to shake. And he said, "You must be feeling unwell, you need to call a doctor, you're behaving so inappropriately." And of course, this picture and this whole scene is a metaphor, because it could be about the fact that I wasn't kissing anyone under the porch, you couldn't see me, and there were no texts at all. Did you think so? But even though they just saw their partner there.
And this is a systemic distortion and you can also tell other people. She is sickly, she is inadequate, she is like, she wo n't be here today because she doesn't feel well. And then a person goes out into society and also feels that everyone is like: " How are you feeling?" And this increases anxiety even more, because most likely the problem is really me.
And this is also, well, this is not a red spot, but a red canvas that you need to understand what it is. And besides, it's constant discomfort when, well, a person touches us and we don't want that touch, and irritation appears, anger appears, when all the boundaries that we talked about earlier are violated, both physical, emotional, er, bodily, in terms of sexual contacts.
And this is all about the presence of violence in relationships. But it is very difficult to break out of this same circle, because here, probably, there is a problem that very often victims find it very difficult to understand, define, identify, name what violence is, what they are experiencing, what their partner is doing to them, a violation of their boundaries and their own well-being. And the problem here is that because they don't admit it, they can't get out, because the excuse just glosses over this behavior for a while.
And besides, rapists very often do these emotional swings. They first reach the peak, when they can commit physical violence, emotional violence, manipulate, and use the same gaslighting, and then after a certain stage, a sugar show, as you already said, yes, there are compliments, flowers, apologies, and so on. And you're like, "Oh, okay, so everything will continue." If the excuse comes from the partner about his behavior.
But my question is, how to break this circle, how to get out, if, well, you already understand from certain signals that we just described with you that it's okay, I have this in my relationship and I want to break it. Ugh.
And yes, I would first add that there is this cyclicality and it really confuses the victim's mind because, well, he's not always so bad or she's not always so bad. And this is an obligatory component when flowers follow the stay, when verbal images are followed by extraordinary ascents to heaven.
And it's also very confusing, because it seems to a healthy person that this is probably remorse, this is probably awareness. And that's why, uh, the victims stay in it for a very long time.
How to get out of this? Well, first of all, I would say, how can you not come here? Let's start with this. How can you not come here? There was very little information about healthy relationships in general before.
Yes. And accordingly, there was little information about these redgas, that's all. And accordingly, when a person encountered this, it was an experience in which they had to prove themselves. And that's why it's incredibly cool to enter a relationship with an understanding of what a relationship is.
There are a lot of great books, but it's even better when there's psychoeducation from parents, when they raise their son or daughter with the words that no one in life, not even me, as a mother, as a father, has the right to yell at you, to raise a hand. That is, this should be education from an early age.
Because if it happened in the family, then it happened at school, in kindergarten, then, of course, it is considered something like, well, absolutely normal. when it arises in the family.
And so, when a person knows that this shouldn't be the case, they turn on faster. Well, however, uh, very good girls, very good guys get into these relationships precisely because of the credit of trust, upbringing, and so on. And these sugary moments, they kind of make us invisible.
And when the cold realization comes that we are in a relationship with an abuser, we need a balanced, cold mind, because abusers are very, very rational. They have a lot of steps, uh, because people usually also have some kind of personality disorder, they have a lot of their own, uh, additional tricks that a person is not ready for.
They have experience from previous relationships and know exactly what they will do next. And a person encounters this for the first time and does n't know what to do about it. And so, first of all, take a piece of paper with a pen, write down that I don't think this is happening to me, because many people can call their girlfriend in tears, tell their friend, and the next day flowers appear.
Oh, forget it, everything is fine, I said so hotly. And so that list must be facts before my eyes, which I didn't think of. And they called me, well, directly quotes these horrible words.
Here is a lock of hair that was pulled out of me. Here is the bruise, a photo of it. And this should be before the person's eyes at the moment when he doubts and justifies the rapist. And it's also really cool to involve some people here, mom, dad, girlfriend, whoever.
Who can we send the same list to and ask for it at times when he or she is so good, eh, turn on the SOS button and just read it all without our comments, without any appeals, just a list written by us, so that it is like a cold shower. The next moment depends on the form of violence, on its depth.
But if, for example, a person is physically detained and their keys are taken away, they are unable to leave the house without some kind of sensor, GPS, and so on, of course, they need to send some signs to society somewhere that they need help, and if they are allowed to take their children to school or go there to buy bread, then they need to look for some contacts, meetings with someone in order to pass on information, because otherwise there is no way out. And, unfortunately, I had such clients, male and female, who lived in moments of such physical violence, constant harassment.
And they constantly had to make excuses every 30 seconds as to why they were absent. They were constantly photographed, then sent something and said hello to this person, and so on. And so there has to be, well, if it's such a deep plan, if it's such a terrible situation, then the person has to somehow make some acquaintances, meet with familiar people in order to send signs that they need help, or save money and so that there is at least enough money to travel somewhere, or somehow find a way to make a duplicate key.
That is, a cold mind is needed here in order to act coldly, unemotionally, and help yourself escape. And of course, if there is an opportunity to call the police, call shelters that deal with domestic violence, organizations that deal with domestic violence, uh, there are many different hotlines.
In such complex situations, they can provide those algorithms. And it's very important to give the address, yes, and not be afraid that something will happen because usually, maybe someone doesn't know about it, it's worth talking about it, but then the centers don't give the victims confidential accommodation and they are in no danger because they can't be found. And then there is a large rehabilitation program with a psychologist, behavioral and so on, social.
And it's very, very important to know that there is somewhere to turn, that even if there are no close relatives and so on, there is somewhere to turn. And for that, you need to know, I hope, maybe there will be some kind of a chart, yes, where you can go for help and call the centers that take care of that.
And besides, these are such complicated cases, right? But if we take a simple example, when a person's self-esteem is simply broken, usually abusers choose extremely wonderful people in a relationship. talented, beautiful, successful.
That is, he or she will not take something ugly from a person who is not liked, who does not arouse social admiration. Because this is a way of feeding an unhealthy personality, when you take the best, then use it and want to take something else, something else, and slander something else.
And this seems to increase the abuser's self-esteem. And, of course, if compared to the terrible stories I just told, a simple case where a person simply understands, well, where should I go, no one will need me. Well, this is my fifth relationship in my life, I won't have a better one, I can tolerate it here, it will happen somehow.
You need to work with a psychologist to restore your self-esteem. This work is painstaking. And usually it takes six months or even a year from awareness to decision. A person must undergo therapy in which they rebuild their value.
And just like all these attitudes and where you know, there are phrases: "What difference does it make if you wear pants in the house" and so on? That is, a person has already been brought to those attitudes that no one needs you, you are the worst, it doesn't matter to you, well, you are already used material. Very often there are such rude phrases, I'm ashamed to repeat them, but I have to mention them there with mileage, with a trailer.
Well, this all happens to a person so often that it seems to him that there are no further prospects. And this is actually the work of psychologists, because these are deep-seated beliefs that have been embedded in this person's personality for years.
And it is through these deep convictions that new rational health systems must be formed. And this work on yourself is consistent. And, of course, insights don't happen in a week, because when another bouquet appears in the background of working on yourself, tears, sorry, I was wrong, then a setback can occur very quickly.
But when a person forms their own self-worth, they can make a balanced, cold decision and leave that relationship. But sometimes there is no time.
There is no time for six months, a year, and so on. And that's why we need to involve society. Such stories, when people write openly and on their social media pages, uh, when they give some sudden interviews, this can also be a step, because the information becomes public knowledge. And, uh, this is, first of all, like this disclosure, a step towards yourself, that there is no way back.
And no matter how much you want to get scared and stay there, there is no way back. And all these methods can be used. And the most important thing to remember is that the abuser cuts off social contacts.
And so, if we don't communicate with our mom and dad because they're not the right people, all our girlfriends are stupid, all our friends are, well, not the right ones either, we need to first restore the people in our lives and they will happily return. Because it was precisely due to gaslighting, that is, distorted perception, that bad things were constantly being said about those people.
And the friendship broke up or the relationship broke up. And there are many examples, if we take the world, when parents had to hide their child because they didn't know what was happening and were n't allowed to see. And accordingly, if this happens to a child, then parents should knock on that door and try to restore contact, because perhaps the child really wants to, but they are simply not allowed to.
And so it's the family's responsibility if they see something happening. It's not about not being offended, not including some of your own internal points, but understanding that there may be an unhealthy situation there and not losing contact. Friends should also be vigilant about this and the person should also restore social connections.
Today we are not discussing the scandal that happened with Anastasia and Konstantin. However, he very demonstratively showed how covering such cases can show that we actually continue to tolerate violence, and how society reacts to it. Because, of course, everyone has their own bubble.
In my bubble, everyone supported Anastasia and literally told her their stories, asked her how to help, and provided some kind of media support. However, on the other hand, there were people, for example, who wrote: "Why were you silent for four years? Why did n't you tell me this earlier? Maybe you did something that made him behave this way towards you? " Oh, and there are many such accusations.
Another very common accusation. You have already talked about proverbs that exist in our society. There is also such a phrase, such a proverb, that you can't take any conflicts outside your home. And because of this, many people keep quiet about cases of violence in their families.
And even if it was with them in childhood, for example, if it was between parents or in relation to children from parents. And the same thing happens later in relationships.
Why do you think our society still tolerates it? Despite the fact that we have ratified the Stockholm Convention, despite the fact that we now have administrative and criminal liability for domestic violence, right? There, of course, the fines are minimal, if we are talking about an administrative offense, a criminal offense, if it is opened and brought to the final stage, which also does not always happen, unfortunately, uh, then a person can even be arrested there and, uh, receive a sentence for which he will serve time in prison. Actually, why is our society not ready to talk about violence in its lion's share? Well, what can we do about it? There may be an unconscious reason here, when a person is afraid that this will later turn against them.
That is, it can be a conscious reason, when a person understands that I will repost there now and so on, but it can be unconscious, that I will not interfere because I am afraid that this may happen to me later for support, for something else. And, there is also another option for protecting the psyche, when people react like this, it's their own fault, they provoked it with their clothes.
But if we take different stories there, you don't have to walk at night, eh, then this is wickblading and it just shows such a protective reaction of the psyche, that on the one hand, if I think like that, then this won't happen to me. Well, it seems clear: "Don't wander outside at night and everything will be fine with you.
" So, self-inflicted. And this is absolutely wrong, well, abnormal victim blaming, but it's like an attempt by the psyche to avoid realizing that violence is total and exists everywhere. And if I play such a game, it will definitely protect me from being affected by it in life.
It won't be safe, because all these people can be, we're talking about relationships now, but violence can come from a manager at work. And violence can come from neighbors and there can also be different moments.
Well, it seems like I'll play this bubble and then everything will be fine in my life. And there is also cognitive dissonance regarding the abuser. And given the public outcry, this is probably the most significant story, when we all see a perfect person with good deeds, beautiful photos, and well, this can't be happening.
Well, we've been following that profile there for 5 years. Well, such an extraordinary person. Well, it's very difficult for people to accept that a person can be a rapist because they demonstrated it in a completely different way. And you see how sweet it is.
My car was always breaking down there. He always helped me out. The money ran out, I always studied. Well, I can't say a single bad word about this person.
This cannot be. But we need to remember that borderline personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, are precisely because people are insecure about themselves and so they really need to wear social masks. And they, uh, in this kind of non-intimate communication, but in public communication, they are very sweet.
They are very helpful, they are very, very beautiful. And, uh, how many horrific stories do we know about even serial killers, when the neighbors don't suspect anything because, well, this is an unusual person and went to all the funerals and cried, and then howled that this person killed. Well, and that's why this cognitive dissonance is also confusing, as if it's hard for us to believe, because the person didn't do anything wrong to me.
But there are facts. If another person makes a statement, we must also understand that besides our own self, there is a person with whom we had more intimate communication, with whom we saw each other more often, er, communicated more fruitfully. And if it didn't happen to me, that's not a sign of it.
Yes, that is, we should not generalize here that if a person is good to me, then he or she is really good, because you can also transfer such a distorted conclusion to other people, like, there are good Russians there, so it's not so clear-cut. This is very similar, but because they are generalizing here.
That is, in fact, each of us simply needs to stop at the moment, for example, when we read this news, yes, see this conflict, and simply analyze our feelings. Even if we want to, I do n't know, protect the rapist, the abuser, maybe it's unconsciously, as you say, maybe it 's because of some personal experience, or something, or we really saw that perfect picture on Instagram, or we saw, as in the case of Konstantin and Anastasia, we saw the perfect clip.
where Konstantin starred in the lead role and has a wonderful relationship with his current wife, and here this story is revealed. That is, in fact, you just need to analyze your own feelings and monitor them as well before writing a comment.
Yes, actually, a comment, you know, in today's realities, it seems like just letters, but in reality, those letters play a very important role when they support one side and condemn the other. And so I've seen a lot, besides this story of social flash mobs, where I don't keep quiet and dare to speak up and so on, and then people get a very painful experience in the comments.
Therefore, it is extremely important to remember that before giving any assessment, you need to get involved in the situation, because emotionally, oh, well, this cannot be. This is the first thing you can write in the first 30 seconds.
But today we are going to delve deeper into that topic. And perhaps we can draw the conclusion that I know that person publicly. I just fly it every day somewhere in the park and I guess I don't have enough information to at least defend it.
Maybe I'll at least hold off for now. But that too will be an understanding. However, if we see the victim taking such a risk and exposing it to public attention, then, uh, of course, there are no moments where you can say, "That's not true." Yes. And I would probably like to conclude our conversation by saying that, friends, violence really has no gender or age.
It can manifest itself in relation to men by women and by other men, as well as in relation to women, because we are used to seeing and believing and seeing in the media cases of violence by a man against a woman. However, in reality, it can go both ways and no one of any age or gender is completely immune from this.
Elena, I am very grateful to you for joining us. Thank you for explaining everything to us so thoroughly and I hope that our conversation today will help someone and provide support. And maybe those who can support and help the injured party will hear it.