Family vs Parents: What to Do When Relatives Oppose Your Separation and Personal Life – A Psychologist Explains

LIGA net - 09 August 2025 14:00
Yeah, it grew.

Don't you need mom and dad anymore? Yes, you're an adult, so decide for yourself.

The fact that our parents cannot easily separate from us is not our fault and not our problem.

But I moved for you, quit my job, and, I don't know, didn't have a personal life there.

What does he do? They dedicated their whole lives to children, but they are not here.

Well, what are they really starting to say? Give us grandchildren.

Well, mom and dad want the best. They want to help.

The most important thing is not to let mom and dad make decisions for us.

Can parents be friends with their children? Separation does not mean breaking off relations with parents.

[music] Honor your father and mother, and you will be well everywhere, - a folk proverb tells us.

However, there is one big gap in it.

Respect should be two-way and apply not only to parents, but also to children.

In general, the topic of parent- child relationships is always relevant, and even more so during war, as many families are forced to live either in the same territory or thousands of kilometers apart.

And this raises many questions about one's own boundaries and relationships at a distance, between loneliness and, conversely, shared life, separation, and codependency.

Greetings.

This is the podcast How to Live, and I am its host, Alena Nizovets.

And today we will talk about the relationship between parents and adult children.

And psychotherapist Volodymyr Stanchishyn will help us figure this out.

Volodymyr Stanchishyn is a psychotherapist using the cognitive behavioral therapy method and the author of psychological bestsellers.

The walls in my head are that relationships take two and the emotional seesaws of war.

Head of the Laboratory of Change psychotherapeutic center, host of the "Volyubov" podcast and the In Touch project.

Vladimir, hello. Nice to see you. Thank you for joining. Hello, Alena. Greetings.

We have such an interesting topic today, which we were asked about so much in the comments, because after our last podcast, people reflected not so much about love as about relationships with parents, which we generally went over in passing and very quickly, but everyone started sharing their stories.

And we thought that it would probably be a good idea to discuss this in more detail, what we should do if adult children already have to somehow communicate with their parents.

And before we start, I think that probably the main topic that is generally talked about in the context of parents is separation.

And here we probably have a big problem, because our culture has always been that generation lives with generation, that is, the older generation with the younger generation, like the Kaidashev family.

Let's remember the beautiful work of Ivan Nychuy Levytsky, which depicts our specific cultural example.

Now that's not the case anymore.

However, the war forced some families to come together and live in the same area for a certain period of time.

And here certain conflicts begin.

In general, please tell me when it is best for parents and children to separate? And is it true that there is a physical separation when they go their separate ways? But if there is no emotional separation, then there is no separation as such.

Yes, exactly.

And look, you immediately provided so many contexts that needed to be told.

Let's first look at the most sublime separation, how it should take place without the context of war as such.

Because the war, what are you saying is that later, when we all came back to our parents at the beginning of the war and some things started, there's already a separate story about it.

But this is just a normal separation.

I think there are very simple markers by which we can see this.

we are entering university and usually we can enter a university in another city.

And very often this is where this physical separation begins.

But to understand, separation is a process of birth.

When a child is born, it is separated from its mother.

That is, she literally, in a physical sense, well, it's like she 's separating from her mother.

Then she feels for some time that she is one body.

She does not distinguish herself, the child, from her mother in anything else.

She feels like it's all one body.

Then the child starts to feel a little, well, like further.

This one then we separate from the mother, we separate from everything.

Then we send the child to kindergarten.

It's like, Alena, when you send your child to kindergarten, it's like you walk under that kindergarten, biting your nails, and it's like you think: "God, I'm the most miserable mother, father in the world, my child is probably out there somewhere, crying, suffering without me, and I'm here.

" This is also separation.

Then you send your child to school, then the child goes to sleepover with one of their friends for the first time, then you say: "Okay, you can do this yourself.

I don't have to be here to be with you all the time.

" The child sleeps in a separate bed. The child has a separate room. These are all separation processes.

Why am I mentioning them now? Because it's not like you turned 18 and you're like, you know, you went and separated, like, you know, no.

All of this is a process of preparation that continues throughout our lives.

And then we are talking about parents who are hypo- or hyper-protective.

It's like in a state of hypo-care, where there is a lack of care, we become independent much faster.

Yes. And this does not always have a good effect on us.

With hyper-care, we can not separate for a long time at 18, 28, and 45.

That's it.

And so you, if you, if the separation process, if conditionally, let's take some conditionally, that your children are now 18 or you are now 18, then we look at this point as a point that still had its past.

And we have to look at what has already happened.

Could my children hang out with their friends? without having to call us every 10 minutes.

Whether our children already had a boyfriend or girlfriend, their secrets, we won't get into it, we already know.

That is, even at the age of 14, if you keep a diary at the age of 14, then I, as a father, can no longer get into this diary.

This is also a separation.

We're not one, but if I do this, well, your separation will cost you three times more than if I didn't.

As a teenager, it's very normal for you to have secrets from me.

And it will be unpleasant for me, because you know, this is my baby, I want you to always be with me.

But you will have secrets from me.

And this will also be a sign that you are preparing for separation.

And the entire teenage years are a preparation for this separation.

I won't talk too much about it now, but I want our listeners to, well, understand that separation is a process throughout our lives.

This is not a process of years.

But sometimes we fantasize and it's as if we're moving to a certain moment in life.

This is what is called a normotypic crisis for our parents.

It will be a midlife crisis and an empty nest crisis when we fly out, or rather, it will be an empty nest crisis that may also have a midlife crisis in it.

So, when the children fly out and they are left in this nest alone, and they are already conditionally 45 there and they are like: "What is he doing? He devoted his whole life to children, and they are not here.

" Well, it's like they start saying: "Give us grandchildren.

" You know, this is kind of a Ukrainian tradition, because I, well, I don't see myself being able to live without children in this house.

What to do? And then I talk about how you find yourself in this empty nest.

You look in front of you, there's another adult in front of you, and you don't know what to talk to her about, because you've never talked to her, because in the previous 18 years, 18-20 years, well, it's like you were a mom and a dad.

You weren't a man and a woman, you weren't dating, because what the hell is dating? It's like, well, like kids, you have to work.

You don't know what to talk about with this person.

And then you, from your empty nest, constantly look out to see where those you used to talk to all the time are.

And all the time you were talking to those little kids of yours, you know, teaching, teaching, taking care of them and doing all that.

And they say: "We don't need more.

" And then you look into this nest and you start pulling with your hand.

Yes.

And thank God, it's like the kids come home from college, bring their dirty socks, and you wash it all there, cook food, you know, you're all so involved or involved that the process of life is happening.

And this, but this is the beginning of separation.

The child in this process enters the stage that we call the monad.

The monad is what we need to study the most today.

This is the period when I'm no longer with my parents, but when I'm not yet married, when I am, when I'm alone.

This is a very important time in our lives.

We all definitely have to go through it in one way or another.

I, well, I really say, Alena for Monad, that sometimes, because I studied at home at the university, that is, well, I didn't live in another city, I had to be at home.

But that doesn't mean I can't separate from my parents, even if I was at home.

Not all of us have the opportunity to physically leave, to leave our parents.

But that's cool.

And I'm saying this, Alon, I'm telling you this because my children are 9 and 7.

When the kids are 19, I 'll tell you, the kids don't have to leave home.

Children always have children at home with mom and dad.

But while we're at 9.

7, I say, well, it's like 18 years old is cool when we go to or to another city.

And then, when we enter this middle monad, we learn three things.

Friends, now you will listen to Volodymyr, but I have a small request for you.

Please subscribe to our channel, like this video, and don't forget to leave a comment, for example, about your relationship with your parents and how you generally maintain harmony with them.

And let me remind you that all useful materials, articles, research, and previous podcasts are listed in the description under the video.

So go ahead and take a look. Enjoy viewing and reading.

First, it's really, well, like washing your underwear.

I mean, it's a very simple, such a crude word, panties, but it would be nice to say underwear, but I say panties specifically so that we understand very clearly that we need to take soap in our hands, panties and all that, be able to choose this one or turn on the right machine, pour some crap and gel in there, pour something in there, something has to happen there.

Just like with spaghetti pasta, something has to happen in boiling water, not in cold water.

Well, we need to have this knowledge.

And as if we were boiling water, we were brewing coffee for the first time, and as if we were arriving at the hostel and pouring it.

This is a true story.

That is, well, it's like we pour cold water over our coffee because we don't know how to, well, like, steam it.

And this is all about domestic independence, which we have to learn.

Why is it important? It will affect all of our lives.

For our whole lives.

or the more independent I can be in my everyday life, the more self -reliant I can be in my next relationship.

The next stage will be relationships.

And that's why this stage is very important for me.

I'm learning this. I go to the store and choose my own shoes. I make mistakes sometimes.

I buy some crappy shoes, but then I learn how to do it.

Yes, I rent apartments there, well, it's like I'm cooking for myself.

I go shopping, I'm learning how to do it.

And this is very important for both girls and boys, because then we have boys who are domestic, you see, it was so rude.

Household disabled people.

I don't want to insult people with disabilities, because it's such a common expression, maybe it's not appropriate anymore.

Well, but guys who, well, can't do anything about it, when they get married, who are like, you know, like stuffing a school report card in the dishwasher, what's that? Let's call it household appliances.

Household malfunctions.

Yes, that's it, and then it's, well, like it's very important that we learn during this period, that we can take care of ourselves, that equality will consist in the fact that two of us can put a plate in the dishwasher.

This is the first stage. The second stage is financial independence.

It's more complicated here, but financial independence is not only about not taking money from my parents, it's about learning to manage the money I receive.

That is, relatively speaking, it seems that it is very simple, at first I did not live in a dormitory, I am telling this from a story not my own, because I say I lived for a very long time, but then I did live alone and you understand that if your parents give you even a conditional allowance, I don't know how much your parents give you now, conditional allowance, let's say 2,000 UAH per week, well, I don't know how much, so your parents give you 2,000 UAH per week, then you have to divide it, well, for 5 days, right? And you have to, well, know how much you have to spend on what.

And what? And then you learn that, well, money isn't always at home.

Money is something that you, well, sort of save, earn, and, well, sort of do something with.

And you learn in the process that you first use the funds you have, and then you learn that you have to earn money so that they don't give you these funds anymore.

Yes. And you go to work.

Again, I'm specifically saying that it could be the case that someone gives money, because if you're happy at the university, it's normal that they give you money, but then you use that amount.

You don't have unlimited on your card, but it's like you 're learning to somehow, well, somehow save money with this, somehow, well, like walk, you know, not take the tram.

Well, there are some, because you can take a taxi every day, and then you run out of money.

If you call your mom, your mom says, "Of course, you know, you're not like that, well, you're not learning financial independence.

" But in adulthood, it will be very important, because, well, we, because we're talking about those chicks that have flown out of the nest now, but we remember that there's still mom and dad there, who are looking out from that nest, who have little contact with each other, because they haven't learned and they're just waiting for you to fly a little closer to grab you.

The less you know how to use your finances, the closer you have to be to your parents' nest.

It seems like your parents might be very happy about it, you know, but whether it will help you in life is not a fact.

And the third thing, and whether you say this about the physical and the emotional, the third thing is actually emotional independence.

This is when I cry, I fall in love, I sob, but I don't confess all this to my parents.

I already have other people I can tell about it. I can make decisions now.

It's not that it's really important to understand here that in psychology we are not at all talking about us becoming cold towards our parents, about us not telling them anything, about them not knowing anything, because it doesn't concern you.

No, this is all very twisted psychology. It's about me being able to make decisions.

Well, it's like I'm dating you or I'm not dating you.

Well, it's like I either want to work here or I don't.

Does it hurt me or doesn't it hurt? What do I do with this pain? But it's like I'm just allowing this pain in my body, or I'm going to a psychologist with it.

I can share this with my mother, with my father, but sharing it does not mean telling them that they will make a decision, say: "Holodka, break up with Alena, because Alena, you see, is such a bad influence on you.

" No, I can make that decision myself. This is my emotional independence.

And that's why I emphasize so much that this does not mean not sharing with parents.

I can share with my parents if I have a good relationship with them.

Yarem and Luke. I'm telling you this for the future.

Sometime after 10 years of marriage, I say: "It's normal that you share your worries with me.

It's okay.

You can tell me about, well, what hurts you and what you don't like.

You can ask for financial help. All this is normal.

If the only thing I would like you to learn is that you can do it without me.

That's what's important.

And then this emotional independence becomes for me in adulthood.

something that I can do on my own.

What's the problem with our adult life? Very often it's about responsibility, about taking responsibility for my life.

But this is emotional independence. I am responsible for what I do. Not mom and dad and not my wife yet.

But that's why we have a period between mom, dad and wife, because this period is when all this is resolved.

If I close these issues for myself, then I will be ready to enter into a relationship where I will meet another monad, which will have all these same questions closed.

But what happens most often with us is that if I have failures here, I will have two problems.

The first problem is that I will be dragged back into the nest and very easily dragged.

It doesn't matter, Alena, you can be married or not, you know, you can have a great relationship there, but you can always call your mother and your mother will tell you: "Well, you know, you shouldn't call this daughter Natalochka there, you shouldn't call her Darynka there, because that's what my grandmother was called, you know, like that, mom.

" That is, well, as if you can be, you can live in Canada and be dependent on your mother.

That is, it's very important to go, but to go is everything.

But then you still establish, well, as if the rules are there, because you ca n't always go.

I have to in Ukraine, we have to talk about it, that, well, unfortunately, we live in a poor country.

We just really don't have everyone has the opportunity to leave.

And so, you know, we just sit here and think about the fact that we all have to leave our parents.

Well, we have to, but can we? Well, sometimes we can't, but if we can't, then we learn to separate ourselves inside our home.

I would probably like to address our viewers now who have small children or teenagers, because I was that child who left my parents at 17 and was physically separated.

I lived in a dormitory and I know everything you're talking about.

Well, but the only thing I didn't have was coffee, which I poured cold water over, but I didn't know how to cook buckwheat, because my mother always forbade me from doing that, said that you'll get ready, I'll do household chores at home, but I really learned to cook when life forced me to learn.

It was the same with material things. Indeed, my parents helped me for a long time. I've already told my story.

story in another podcast about financial literacy, how I came to this.

And actually this is a very important stage.

If there is an opportunity to send children to study elsewhere, take advantage of it.

Let them live in a dormitory. Dormitory life simply teaches this life. It's such a science.

But I, honestly, I wouldn't trade this experience, because it gave me new social connections.

Oh, that social capital that I even use now.

Well, plus to everything, some kind of science in life.

And it was a cool, difficult in its own way, but a cool period.

But I would also like to say that emotional separation, for example, did not happen to me immediately with physical separation.

This is important to talk about.

Emotional separation in my case, for example, happened when, uh, I got married.

I got married quite early, at 23 years old. I just turned 23.

I had already completed my studies at Master's degree.

And then I realized that there was still an emotional separation.

I thought that I was already self-sufficient, that I had everything arranged for my life, but it turned out that I was still my mother's and father's daughter.

That's why this period was difficult for both my parents and for me personally.

But it's important to talk, sit down and talk about where whose boundaries are.

And this conversation helped us a lot.

But it's important to say what I'm getting at, that my mother and father were ready to listen to this, and they were ready for this.

But there are parents who will speak in manipulative phrases.

For example, yeah, you 've grown up, you don't need your mother and father anymore.

Yes, you're already an adult, so decide for yourself.

Well, look, we've lived a century, and you still don't know anything and so on.

You're not even 30 years old yet.

And in general, these cliché phrases, what to do in this case? Look, you said the word very well, that we sat down and talked.

So I say instead that we need to sit down and talk.

Talking is a process. A process that will continue over time.

Because okay, your parents were ready and seemed to listen, but if my parents are not ready, then I talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk until one day, well, something is not absorbed.

Because I understand, because again I look into this nest and I understand, like who is sitting there, why they are so afraid to stay alone in this nest, how helpless they feel there.

And then I talk not only about my boundaries, I talk about, well, like mom and dad, well, like, what you have, how you are with each other, what is happening at home, like how you live.

I also want to see there, that there is also some kind of process there.

That's when I start talking.

And let's Let's look at two cases, because physical separation actually helps a lot.

Well, emotional separation, well, it still helps.

Well, still, well, it's like, you know, pressing a button that there's a way out, well, it's easier than leaving the house, well, it's like slamming the door every time.

Yes, that is, that it's easier. But we should have one very important thing here.

This is the realization that what if the fact that our parents can't easily separate from us is not our fault and not our problem.

It sounds cruel, but it's true.

That is, you and I are already Alena today, while I'm not new, do you have children? I'm not there.

None. Yes, yes. Okay.

I have children, so my task today, your task will also be someday, yes, maybe if you decide to have children, it's to learn today that they will leave.

So, I'm already learning today that my relationship with my wife is not only about children.

Ah, well like will we have anything to talk about when our children are not there? Will we be interested? Maria and I know exactly what will happen.

No, we will cry, suffer.

It's like we, well, like mom and dad are chickens, it's all like that, but we will have fun together.

It's important, because then, well, like then we can let go of our children, but our children are not to blame for the fact that we can't do it.

Yes.

And that's very important now, if we talk to our listeners who are children who are separated, then my message to you is that you are not to blame for the fact that your parents, well, are going through their suffering.

You can help them with support, but you can't help them by living their suffering for them.

And it's very important to understand why. Because, well, parents have to suffer.

If they let go of their children, they usually suffer.

And we need to accept this and know this.

And what can we advise parents in such a situation? Maybe, on the contrary, parents listen to us.

If they are ready to listen, then we say that okay, look, we have a rule.

Help does not equal interference.

What does help mean? What I say mom and dad, what do you need, do you want there, well, like this one more and well like that you can come visit us from time to time.

But like that I can call you from time to time, this is mom, where are you going today? Go sign up for a dance somewhere.

I don't know there. Well, everyone needs to know their own mom.

Some moms will say that they don't want anything, because it's like, well, to help someone.

Help does not equal interference. The other side needs to want to help. And then we study the situation.

Then we look into that nest again and say: "What do you have here?" But if the parents say: "No, we do n't need anything, we're raising grandchildren," then they are no longer asking for help, they are already asking for intervention.

And they are already interfering in our family.

And so we We say: "No, no, stop, friends, you have to deal with your lives.

Deal with Dad.

" I know that many of us will learn this one day when Mom calls and says: "Mom, call and say: "This is for Dad, not me.

I will no longer pass on, well, as if I were a messenger from you to Dad.

Mom, but I don't need to know this, Dad needs to know this.

I know that you've gotten used to me over the years, that I'm your main listener, but I'm no longer your main listener.

Call Dad.

That is, well, depending on the nest we look into, we will have different behaviors.

In one nest we will say: "Mom, go to the dance.

" You will say: "That's great, I've always wanted to go to the dance.

" Well, but that doesn't happen that often. Let's be honest.

In the second nest we have to say over and over again: "Mom, call Dad, don't call me in such cases.

" In the next nest we will say: "Mom, I call you twice a week.

Well, as if I can't do it more often. I know you don't like it.

" In the next nest we will say: "No, Mom, you can't come to my birthday party.

You can't.

We celebrate our birthday with Vasilyna, with Igor, with Petr, with Ulyana, I don't know with whom.

Will you be gone? No, mom, even if you find me on the street, I won't come to you.

Don't come to my place on my birthday. I know, Mom, that you're sad, but I don't want to.

Mom, what's going on with you and Dad now? What help is needed? Mom, you don't have to dig these potatoes.

If Mom, I won't come to dig potatoes. I don't need these potatoes. Mom, if you don't have to dig it.

If you decide to dig it up, then okay, but I won't take part in it.

What can be the answer to this? This is especially common among mothers who don't have husbands.

That is, when the mother, for example, raised the child alone or the father raised the child alone.

But, to be honest, I haven't encountered it. Maybe parents and husbands say that too.

But women can very often say: "But I moved for you, quit my job, I do n't know, I didn't have a personal life there.

And these accusations fly.

" And especially since you say there, for example, that you need to tell your dad, but there's no dad here.

The mother finds herself alone for a certain period of time, and she has truly placed the child at the center of her universe.

How do you talk to such mothers? Okay, I'm telling you mom.

So you're telling me that. I say: "Mom, I hear you. I know you're alone. I'll help you with everything. Well, like what can I help you with.

But you have to understand that I want to live my life.

I won't be with you every day.

I understand, I don't have to say this out loud, but I understand that Mom, the fact that you put me at the center of your life is your decision.

Well, like, take responsibility for this decision now.

I support you where you can't.

I need to come and install a stool, if I can, because I, for example, can't.

I won't repair anything for Mom. Well, like, well, I can support you and repair it. I won't repair anything. Okay, fine.

When I'm older, I'll say: "Mom, I'll hire an electrician, a plumber, well, anyone.

" He'll do everything for you, solve some issues there.

Because there are also issues when I'm 25 and I separate.

And when I'm 45, there will be a different separation.

Because at 45, I'm basically taking on the role of this adult who is solving this life crisis, so it will consist of me helping my mother solve her everyday problems, because she really can't solve many of them.

Dad, they're already getting old, they're 70, 80.

And there are questions that I'm already closing for them, because I'm in the prime of my life.

But if we're talking about 25, 30, that's when my parents are still alone, well, they can live fully, they, well, as if they're living, then we say that mom, sure, well, like I'm very grateful to you for raising me, I'll come visit you, but I, well, like I'm not your husband, I didn't become your husband, because you raised me yourself.

I want to live with Alena.

And this is the rule that we talked about last time, because I always say that in order for me to marry Alyona, I can divorce you.

And I can't remember to say it in such words, but I say: "Mom, I understand, I'm very grateful to you for raising me, but I will live in Lviv.

Well, it's like I won't live there. Where are you from, Alon? She is from Chernihiv. From Chernihiv. I will not live in Chernihiv. Well, it seems like I'll live in Lviv.

I'll come to you there, well, like okay, call Uncle Mikhail there if you're all alone.

Well, like, come on, well, like, I'm 25 now, I'm reminding you.

That is, you are conditionally 50 there.

Well, if you can give this guy 50 years, go to work.

Well, it seems like you can handle yourself.

It will be different when you are there, when we talk about older parents, then, I say, it will be different.

There we will add more care, but that still doesn't mean that I will play with you, I will take care of you, because care refers to helping, not interfering.

And because no matter what our parents did, no matter what they sacrificed in their lives for us, they once made this decision and today they are responsible for this decision.

The fact that they didn't know that they had to make another decision to also take care of themselves and learn to live with themselves doesn't mean that they can't start learning it today, because I still can't live with you, mom, your life, because I definitely, well, Alena, it's important to understand this.

I won't live a happy life with you if I live a happy life with my mother because she raised me.

I can decide for myself that I will take care of my mother, but then at least I won't have to turn Alyona's head, because Alyona will come to me and say: "I've been with him for 8 years.

" And he never proposed to me.

And on Saturday, of course, he's at his mom's, because mom really needs help.

And I, well, I'll say you, Alyon, well, you married a married man.

And you're not married, you're living as a married man.

You are a lover. But not in a sexual sense. Okay, sexually you're the only one.

He only wants you, but emotionally he is married to your mother.

But it seems that's why this divorce has to happen anyway, because then you won't be happy.

Even if you're married to him, even if you have children, you'll still come and say, "I don't have a voice.

" That when his mom comes into the kitchen, his hands shake, and for some reason we live with his mom.

Well, because she's lonely.

And in this kitchen, it's like I can cook anything I want, but I can't rearrange the pots the way I want.

And I've been working on this for 8 years.

And when our son throws something in the kitchen and mom comes in and says, "What's wrong?" then you start making excuses to her.

Instead of saying, "Mom, we have a family situation in the kitchen right now, please, in 20 minutes, if you don't talk about all this, your family will fall apart.

It can fall for a long time, it can fall for your whole life.

It's not like you're going to break up tomorrow.

This is not to say that it will necessarily lead to divorce.

This will lead to the fact that I will have constant tension in my nuclear family.

A nuclear family is the family that is currently my, well, kind of important family.

My mom and dad are not my nuclear family today, but to my children, I am still their nuclear family.

This will change one day.

My nuclear family will be No, well I will always say, "Me, my children - that's what this is my family.

" But they won't say that.

Let's take a closer look at this case, when, due to certain circumstances, two generations live in the same territory.

How to set boundaries here? Ugh. Again, look, everything will depend on this. There is no single rule.

There are only rules that boundaries are needed, because you understand, but it's like if we have a mother, well, I'm going to use a stereotype now, but it's like our mother is a teacher in our neighborhood, you know, who is used to everything always, well, it's like she knows what shelves are on what.

Well, that will be more difficult. Here is this one.

But if our mother is also a teacher in our neighborhood, so as not to talk about teachers, but as if they are not this one, but she is the one who knows that you should have your space, well, it will be, well, you know, you can go in different directions on the same territory, and on the same train.

So in the same way, you can have different worlds of ces in one apartment.

And so we will first explore what, again, mom and dad have there.

or mom and dad together.

Dad drinks, doesn't drink, mom drinks, doesn't drink.

Realized, unrealized, and like betches, hyperprotective, not hyperprotective.

There are moments when we will say: "Alyona, red flags, but take anything, well, like bags in your hands and remove the Khrushchev, somewhere in Troyeshchyna, at the end of Troyeshchyna.

" Yes, you're from Kyiv, but it seems like somewhere there.

No, there are no more Khrushchevs at the end of Troyeshchyna.

There are some concrete ones there, well, it's like something there somewhere, well, excuse me, residents of Troishchyna, I have nothing against Troishchyna, it's just somewhere very far away.

Well, this is the end of it and sometimes we will say that this is the only way.

The only way is to separate.

But sometimes we'll talk about, let's, well, like, setting some rules in our house.

But it's like the first rule in our house and it's like something conditional, if we have different rooms, that well, each other's rooms are rooms, it's like apartments, well, like a communal apartment and something.

And we set the rules, who cleans when, who pays for what, who does what.

And we agree on this among ourselves. If we are adults, we can agree on this.

If we are immature people, and we can't seem to reconcile this, then we again look for a way, like separating physically, because sometimes physically it's the only way, like divorce.

Just like when you live with a guy who, well, I know you say you got married early, yes, but if you had guys before your husband, you knew something was wrong, well, then we break up.

If I live with a guy, and I understand that something is not going well, that is, the rules are not established, then we move out of the same apartment.

Well, sometimes it has to be like that with parents too.

And then our agreement with you, you and I got into this situation, Alena, and we said: "Alena, we need, well, let's think about what we are sacrificing.

" But it seems like we need to rent an apartment there for a nominal $500.

But it's like if we have the opportunity to do this, because there are families who don't have the opportunity to do this, then we say: "Okay, are we sacrificing? We're not going on vacation, we're not going to your brother's wedding, we're not going to a birthday party, we're accumulating money, but I want to live separately.

" Okay, fine.

But then, well, we do it if we have a good relationship with you or we say to you: "Alon, come on, well, it's like we can't afford it yet, but you can always be sure that I will never let your mom offend you, that she's my mom.

" Or you say, Volodya, she'll scream again, but you always know, like, that I'm on your side.

And then you and I can discuss what's happening at home in our room, in our corner .

And then we remember the basic rule: "What makes you and I a family, even if we live in the same territory, is one important thing: you and I make decisions.

Not mom, not dad, but you and I.

" For now, we make the decisions in our nuclear family, you and I.

Until then, we may have mom and dad around us with their own problems, rules, and all that, but we will remain a family.

The most important thing is not to let mom and dad make decisions for us or with us.

And then we talk about financial independence, because if parents sponsor our lives, they tell them which brand of diapers to buy for you.

And you don't want diapers from this company.

You want diapers, well, I don't want to advertise this one to you, but you want some of your own, like diapers that you know are good.

And mom and dad say: "Well, like, I bought you two bags of cheaper diapers there.

" You say, "I don't want it, what are you spending money on?" And you say, "No, wait, we're buying these diapers, but you and I have to be a team to do that.

" If you and I are on a team, we can be on the same territory as other parents.

There are parents with whom there will be no such problems.

It will be much easier to establish these rules there.

But in principle, I would still think in the direction of having my own corner, sleeping on this mattress, but it's like being separate.

Everyone there feels calmer.

And I say this very freely, because well, I have my wonderful parents, my wife has her wonderful parents.

We never lived a single day with any of them.

It's like there, and I think that this is one of the main keys to our successful marriage today.

We have wonderful parents, we are all good people, but for what? Well, these trials seem like, you know, you brought up a good topic.

This is a relationship when, for example, the husband's parents influence the wife or vice versa.

That is, sometimes it's easier to come to an agreement with your parents because they're your own people, and you already know the ropes.

Not always, not always, friends.

However, there are cases when you can really come to an agreement with your family.

But with parents who came into your life when you became adults, it will be more difficult.

Well, how to act here, how to establish good relationships with in-laws, mothers-in-law, and so on.

Think about who has problems with their father-in-law and mother-in-law, what kind of relationship do you have with your partner, because you and I decide, you understand? That is, if, uh, you and I, as a couple, can decide, well, how we act in specific situations, then the influence of our parents on us becomes much less.

It will be traumatic when you are sad conditionally, if I am building a relationship with your parents, but you are not completely separated from them.

And if you, you know, want both yours and ours, then we will have problems.

But if you and I have an agreement on how we act, then other parents can't break through it, well, like this, so you and I will be the strongest link.

So, well, actually, most often it's a question of what kind of relationship we have with our partner, not with our parents.

And then, well, it's like then we include the most ordinary, well, like patterns of behavior that we include in all other people.

We are polite, we pass by with gifts there, well, it's like we interact somehow, but I agree with you that no, Alena, decisions regarding what our children will be called, in which city we will live, what Christmas tree we will buy for the New Year, artificial or this one or a real one, who we will vote for in the elections, and then everyone should accept us for ourselves.

Yes, we will accept without parents.

And if you and I are learning to do this and when you and I decide that we are not going to the dacha to dig potatoes, then woe, because my parents start screaming and seem to be throwing up, but we both say: "No.

" Because when your parents say: "Let's go swimming in the pool.

" I say: "Alon, I'm not into potatoes.

" You say: "What are you doing, insulting my parents?" Well, you say: "Alyona, I don't have a problem with your parents, I have a problem with you.

You seem to be confused about marrying a man who doesn't dig potatoes.

" But, but then you also tell me, it's not like there's some abuser out there, like this one you also tell me, when my mom starts saying that, well, you need to take a two-year break between children and give birth right away.

You say, "I don't want to have another child.

" I say: "Well, my mother says that this is the best way, she raised me and Natalia like this, with my sister.

You also tell me: "Volodya, well, it seems that your mother can give you another brother if you need someone.

You, well, what am I talking about, you want to have a second child now? I say: "But I don't really want to, it's just, well, mom, you say: "If you and I don't want to and if I say: "No-no, well, but mom, how do I explain it?" Then you tell me: "Yes, Volodya, go to a psychotherapist, break up with your mother, come back to me with this conversation.

" What is unclear? That is, you and I are the main source of how things will happen.

If you and I share a common vision, then it's not your job to advocate for a second child to my mother.

And my task is to tell my mom that, mom, Alena and I will decide when to give birth without you.

Thanks for the advice, because you raised me as a single sister.

That's great, but it won't happen.

We will have a second child in 5 years, if we have one.

Okay? Because it will all concern how to burn, and whether to do the vaccine or not.

If your mom starts telling me: "Volodya, we don't make vaccines.

" I say, "Who are you who doesn't make vaccines? Who are you?" And you say: "What if you tell me that we don't make vaccines?" I say: "Who are you?" So who will it be again? Family.

Family is the decision makers.

we do it with you or we sit down with you and say, "Are we doing vaccines or not?" I immediately say: "Let's do it.

" This is a spoiler, sort of.

Well, because it's a healthy attitude towards life.

That's all.

If you and I make vaccines, then our parents can at least be Mormons, you know, like they live like that and, like, they can't even donate blood.

Indifferently. We vaccinate our children.

Parents can pray in church, you know, deny our sins, cry there, well, that's what it is, but we do it by our agreement.

And then a miracle happens. They accept the rules of the game.

But there are three rules for this: you and I are financially, domestically, and emotionally independent.

If these rules exist, we are invincible. And there are no parents who can do that.

If you write to me in the comments now: "Oh, you just don't know my mom," then I will tell you: "I know your mom and I know your dad, and I know your aunt, and I know your uncle.

" It's like I already know someone in this life.

And I know that only our alliance with you, our agreement with you, can lead to the fact that we can set limits for everyone else.

If we don't have an agreement with you, of course, mom from that hungry, cold nest will want to grab us.

Well, not every mother, because, you know, I'm saying it stereotypically, because, well, it's not about every mother by any means.

There are mothers who, well, because again, we don't need to write comments: "And my mother, mother, she let me go, it does n't work like that.

" Thank God, we are talking about those whom she did not let go.

You should still write comments, because comments, as I understand it, Alyona, are necessary.

You write that my mother let me go. Thank you to my mother for that. The hint is great. There is such a thing as help from parents.

And when we are already separated, imagine the situation, we are already separated.

They really followed the three rules you mentioned, but their parents still want to help.

And there is nothing wrong with that. This is cool.

Especially food, especially if there is a garden and everything they can, they bring, they send in bags from other cities.

But here the question is also about measures, because there are parents who, not only help a lot, don't know how to do it, but you feel somehow uncomfortable, because, well, mom and dad want the best, they want to help.

And sometimes they don't ask what you need, but just do everything for you.

What should we do in these two situations? Super. Help does not equal intervention. Again, the answer is the same.

It's like this help, not help - it's something we agree on with you.

Interference is something you do to me without my consent.

I will not allow interference.

My parents and I agreed, well, it was like they sent us something.

We were at my parents' this week, uh, this afternoon, driving by, and my mom made pancakes with cottage cheese, well, like that, but she called me before that, she said, "Are you going to go or do something for you?" I say: " Cheese platters, some dumplings there, well, something else.

" That's great, we took everything. Well, it would be even more wonderful. Well, it seems like everything suits us.

But when they offer us to transfer the bag to Lviv, I say: "No, I'm very clear: "We don't take the bags.

I don't go to the bus station, I don't meet these drivers.

I don't like it, so it's not mine. " I say: "We 'll do without the bag. " Well, it's like an agreement, it's healthy. But it's like we accept it, we don't accept it.

And this agreement, it works both ways, because we definitely need the parents' help.

But it's like help that we will resist, because the child has to be raised by four adults.

This is the best. Because one pair of adults plays, the other rests. The second plays, the first rests. Well, this is some kind of rotation.

But it's like we have a minus with my wife, that our parents are both far away and we don't have this rotation, you know.

And it's very difficult. It would be cool.

But again, in this rotation there are two parents, the mother and father of this child, who are the main ones, who determine the rules of the game.

And then they ask for help.

They say to the grandparents there or to their parents.

They say: "Mom, dad, will you sit with the little one for me?" Mom, dad says: "I'll sit when it's Friday.

" Okay.

Or we agree there, so that you can sit there on Monday, serezha, well, that is, we can have different agreements.

But here there is an agreement: "I ask, you say: "Yes.

" And you can say no, that I'm busy, it's my birthday, it's like I'm going somewhere.

That is, the agreement is the one, well, it's like something that makes this help necessary and important.

Because, again, separation does not mean breaking off relations with parents.

Separation is something we have a great relationship with our parents.

They make our dumplings and vareniki for us.

What are your people doing there? What are they telling you in Chernihiv? What kind of food do you have there? My parents are just about to arrive.

They don't give us food, they give us produce, because there is a garden.

So we have an agreement.

We just have an agreement because I can cook the meals myself.

And it was such a border with us that if I really ask for it, then maybe my mother will bring some cake, which maybe she can make the best.

But no, they bring whole products that you can then cook something from.

Super. That is, but this is about agreements. It's like we agreed on this. Yes.

And then, well, it's like, uh, well, like help is very important.

We build good relationships with our parents, we love them, we visit them, we help them, but at this point I'm asking permission, can I come to you, bring you something, and if you need it, that's okay.

This is the first part.

The second part, because when my mom brings me, uh, potato dumplings, for example, or I don't know, she brings you whole potatoes, like, and then she calls you and says: "Go dig potatoes.

" You already remember that your forehead, well, this man for today, is a man for today.

So there you have it. But she says: "Well, I brought you potatoes.

" Well then we say: "Okay, let's go back to our agreement.

I don't want potatoes, if I have the strength I have to dig them.

There are no questions.

And then it's again, that is, well, as if the subject of the help should not be manipulation.

But as if this is a very important rule. And then the help is wonderful.

If we have grandparents who can sit with the children, great.

If we have grandparents who can support there, they can sometimes give money, but again, give money.

Because what does it mean to give money? If, well, as if I give you money every month, you, well, as if because you don't work and, well, as if this is because I give you money.

You are not interested in anything, you don't do anything, you don't move anywhere.

Well, then the question is, is this help? Because help is when you make an effort.

You make an effort.

Well, or you and I, yes, and our parents, well, as if they can help us, so that It's easier to make these efforts there.

You and I make efforts to buy an apartment, but our parents help us there, they say: "Oh, we've saved up 20 things there.

" Well, it's like if you bought a little better there, a little more, well, there's some of these there, then that's it and there's no problem, and again, there's no problem.

It's clear that if your parents are millionaires and they buy you apartments, I'm not saying give up the apartment.

Okay, they bought you an apartment, think about what price you'll pay for this apartment, if they give it to you unconditionally and you, well, the owner, who does what he thinks is necessary and independently builds his life, fine.

But if they give you an apartment, but then every time they tell you that, well, like you earned money for the apartment, well, then think about your self-esteem, with which you will grow.

But it's like in this apartment.

And then there's already a question, but it's like isn't it better to rent an apartment and so on earn it once? That is, it all depends on the relationship.

But that's why we say that help does not equal interference and everything can be negotiated.

It's just that sometimes it's negotiated, and sometimes it's negotiated.

Sometimes it's when mom I'm telling you that example.

Maybe last time I told you about how we conditionally lectured the grandmothers about, well, about this separation.

And it was two hours, you know, with exercises, with everyone.

Then one grandmother gets up and says: "Well, you can do whatever you want here, but tomorrow I'm taking my children cutlets and I'm not going to call them to ask if they want them or not.

" And we're like: "Glory to Jesus Christ!" We finish.

Like, you know, it's like whoever understood something, understood.

So here I understand that here you can't talk, but here you have to talk, talk, talk.

But it seems like there's a lot of peace, but well, I'm saying that this peace most often appears where Aly actually, where you and I have an agreement that I don't need to be with my mother.

I have a monad period.

This is the period when I'm with my mother there, you know, talking, saying: "Mom, no, I'm alone.

Mom or Dad, no need, thank you, I think I can handle it.

Well, it's like I want it, I want it myself, well, it's like this one, it's cool.

" Then in the period when we already get married, and it's like when we already become a dyad, or we have a small child, then we learn again, we separate all this again for the second time, because they want to impose it on us, because now, you know, the situation has changed.

We will show you again, we set the framework again, but it will be easier to set them if they were set in the first series.

It's like when we were in a monad.

If they weren't set, well, then we will set them in a dyad, it will just be harder, but we will still do it.

If not, well, sometimes we have multi-story families, where it's like they are, it's like where mom and dad manage all the processes.

We smile, accept, hide and it's like this one, and at first we reconcile with the help of sex, then we don't have sex, because we are all blown away by it.

And why should I have sex with you if you can't even tell your mother that she's finished, so that she can get away from me, then everything will be fine.

Well, because it's all in progression. But then you're just throwing around a bad word. Well, it's like it's all in progression.

But if we want this, then we really need to understand, and it's like Alena, if I marry you, then only you are my wife.

So it's like that, well, it's important to understand.

Usually my mother understands it too.

If not, it's like I take a lot of time to explain it to her.

But when grandchildren appear, uh, a little bit, I suppose, the situation gets complicated, because, for example, when it comes to upbringing, well, mom and dad have one vision of upbringing, and grandpa and grandma, who have lived for oh-oh so many years, may have a different vision.

Well, how do we explain to parents that they and we, the child's parents, should have the same upbringing, and not So, mom and dad forbid cartoons and sweets, and grandparents allow everything? Again, not to explain, but to explain.

This is a process that will take a long time.

And your parents will exclaim: "God, what do your children allow themselves?" Well, we are like that.

They will learn.

Our parents should learn around us, because they will see other grandchildren.

Their grandchildren will be different from the children they raised.

They will be freer, more impudent and more open to the world.

They will allow themselves more. This will break the patterns of grandparents. But again, we have the same concept.

We make the decision about how to raise our children.

And we say very clearly: "Grandparents: "There are red lines here, you can't cross them.

" Grandparents don't have to agree on these lines, to love them.

Well, it's like they just have to.

You want to sit with your grandchildren, you follow our rules.

Well, it's like they are like that.

But then again, if I'm dependent on my grandparents, well, that's a lot harder to do.

Therefore, the monad is the first step, the first step.

This is what happens when we are independent, and we say, friends, well, it's like we're sending our grandchildren to you, sit with them, but it's like they're still our children there, it's like they don't sit in front of the TV forever, and it's like they don't eat sweets forever.

It's like we don't shout and say, uh, we don't say, we're Yarema and I, I'm Yarema and I'm always joking about Yarema, are you a Cossack or not? Because it was like in our childhood, you know, all these adults would come and say: "Are you a Cossack or not a Cossack?" Mi Rema says very clearly: "I'm not a Cossack, get out of here.

" But it seems very clear. Here it is.

But this, well, it's like something you need to know very clearly.

Well, it's like she's this Lucia, my girl, buying these Barbie dolls with prosthetics.

But it's like this one, because she's both a grandmother and a grandfather: "Why do you need a doll with a prosthesis?" Well, it's like we're both, and Lukia says: "Well, it's like, what, I want a doll.

" That is, her world is wider.

And grandma and grandpa, they have to learn this from their grandchildren.

But for this, there is this buffer between children and their grandparents - these are the parents.

We can use a gasket, a membrane, you know, that lets information through, traps everything unnecessary, and which lets information through, well, it seems, and it seems to take away everything unnecessary.

And we fulfill this role of the menrana.

And if we see that the parents have more or less sorted things out, we step in a little and sometimes say, we're sending the children to their grandparents, that's help.

We say, can you come today, literally today, when you and I write down that grandfather arrived, it's like taking a train from Teribovlya to Lviv, because I live in Lviv.

Yes, he arrived in Stebovlya by train to Lviv, from another region.

He took Yarema and Lukia, two without their mother and with their father.

But it's like this without me and without my wife. and their air is in the terribs.

And we know that there are red lines they will not cross.

Exactly.

But it's like they know, they love, that even my children.

But we also know that there are things they will do more of, more sweets, more manipulations, that they will extort something from grandparents.

And we say: "Okay", like, well, it's like this is the price we pay for them going to Terebovlya.

But it's about help and negotiation in the process, about the fact that, well, not all at once, my children, 9 and 7, that is, nine and 7 years old, we learn together with my parents, my wife's parents, to set these boundaries.

And they are almost set, but still somewhere they sometimes bend and then we come back, we say: "Yes, so it doesn't work with our children.

Our children will be like this.

Dad, well, it's like you can hammer in nails as much as you want.

You didn't teach me, you idiot, how to hammer in these nails.

And the fact that you are looking at Yarem now, Yarem has no skills, well, there or there are some other situations.

That is, it is still a process that will last, well, it seems like a long time.

There is such a stage that you have already talked about, when the roles can change somewhat, when the parents get older, for example, they are no longer able to work, they are retiring, the pension in Ukraine is meager, you can't live on it.

And here, the already grown-up children can help and even more, maybe even take some responsibility on themselves.

Let's analyze an example when the parents are not yet so disabled that they may need some physical help, yes, maybe even cohabitation together.

And when a child is just an adult and wants to help their parents, first of all, not all parents are ready to accept this moment.

And they are not always open to the fact that children they want to help offer them help.

How to talk about this with their own parents? And maybe here too, you need to build boundaries somehow? Absolutely.

But it seems like I'm giving the same answer again, that help is not the same as interference.

That before I help you, mom, I have to ask mom or dad if you need my help.

And mom and dad can tell me: "No, not right now.

" And it seems to you that these standards that you have, that you must definitely pass them on to your parents, you can offer them, but you can't force them on, your standards.

And this is, well, it seems very important.

And look, so precisely, that in our case I already said it today, I'm just repeating it now, more specifically, that there is a moment in our lives when, well, a generation changes, it's like Conditionally, the generation of 40-60 is the generation of the most capable people who are already fully in power, who have power, money, well, like this one.

And when we enter this age, our parents are reaching the age when they will need more and more, well, some kind of care.

But this is about help, that we will help them. Sometimes we can help them with money.

Again, I ask: "Dad, do you need money?" And we agree: "Let me drop you a certain amount there every month, if I have it.

It depends, you know, someone else can drop 100,000, someone else can drop 500 UAH.

Here, well, it seems, but we still agree, because for whom will these 500 UAH be a large sum, well, it seems like who will need it.

And we agree on this, that it's okay, like why am I quitting now, because I can, well, it seems like your pension is small, it seems like it helps you.

Yes, yes, this is still yes, or I can say that okay, like what now, well, it's harder for you to clean your house, well, it's like I'm funding you, a lady who will come to you once a week and clean your house.

Let's talk about this.

And mom and aunt will say: "No, no, what are you doing?" But I am alone.

Okay, we talked once, and after six months we returned to this topic.

That is, we are still proposing something, well, it seems like we are still taking some steps.

This and this again depends on what capabilities we have today, what we can do today, well, as if, well, how much money we have and as if we can do it.

But helping is normal.

It's normal to take care of your parents, it's normal to take responsibility for them.

Obviously, sometimes it happens that we go to the doctors with our parents and the doctors talk to us, not our parents.

This is not very correct.

Parents and doctors should still talk to the patient, not the accompanying person.

Well, but, well, it seems like this often happens and we understand more and our parents ask us what he said and explain it, because they are very anxious at this moment.

And we are acting now, we are becoming adults.

And that's normal, but it also shouldn't turn into hyper-care.

This shouldn't turn into something like, well, as if we decide everything for our parents, because that also sometimes happens, like, well, no, I know better, but as if I'll decide everything for you.

No, our parents are truly adults who have lived their lives and can make their own decisions, even if you and I don't like those decisions.

Our parents can make decisions that seem absurd to us, like, "I want to live in this house, I don't want to leave my village, I'll buy you a house near me.

" I say: "I want to live in my village, but here alone.

I want to live alone, I want to live by myself. Come to me, but I want to live here.

" Yes, well, whatever it is about aid not equaling intervention, it will work exactly the same here.

Because our parents also often thought in the past that when they interfered in our lives, they were doing us a better job.

And similarly, when we enter this period, it seems to us that we will do better, because we know better, not better.

Our parents have the right to make their own decisions, even if those decisions are wrong.

This is still our parents' decision. And sometimes we need to respect them.

Besides, there are critical situations when you understand, but it's like, " Mom is there now, well, here's a question that I won't give a clear answer to.

" There, whether to take my mother to the hospital or not, my mother says: "No, I do n't want to.

" Do you understand that this is a matter of life and death? Well, it seems like there is only one question here, which is very multi-component.

So there are situations when you'll probably close your eyes and still say, "No, Mom, let's go.

" And there are situations when you have to understand, like a mother who is not ready for long-term treatment.

Well, because it's also a question of death.

But it's as if she, well, says: "I want to die at home than die in the hospital and suffer there for six months on those pills.

I refuse treatment.

And sometimes we also have to accept this decision of mom or dad, although we would probably do it differently.

That is, it's about respecting adult life, well, like the adult decisions of our parents and that the fact that we want to help does not mean that we can decide for them.

Well, there are probably cases when parents lose, well, like not their working capacity, but their capacity, like, like they have Alzheimer's or something else.

Well, then we become guardians and then we solve all the issues there.

Well, but that's a separate story.

But there are such opposite cases when, for example, parents expect help, and children decide not to help.

Well, maybe because there can actually be many reasons.

Maybe because they have some, uh, resentment or they can't help, they don't have some kind of ability, or in general they just have this idea that parents are for themselves, I am for myself.

Relationships are primary, Alena, well, we, well, it's like if my children made such a decision, well, they somehow came to this decision.

But it's like it's clear that if you and I have problems in our relationship, then no matter what we talk about here with you, I don't want to see mom either.

Well, you know, if, well, this is also a situation, but it's like my dad left me when I was two, and then he showed up at and said: "Oh, I'm so hard, help me.

" Well, obviously, that will be, well, I can make different decisions in such a situation.

That is, that first of all we still talk about the relationship.

But it's like the relationship is primary.

If we have a relationship, then in this relationship we define and we can agree, because it's one situation.

When I can't, then I say: "Dad, I, well, I can't. " Well, it's like I want to, but I can't.

I can talk to you, I can call someone, I can come help.

I can't help with money today, because I don't have any.

You're like, well, it's like a different situation when I say: "Dad, I'm not obligated to help you.

" Well, it's like I won't throw money at your alcohol.

I can say that guys, I do n't even know who you are.

Don't call me anymore. But it's like you've never been in my life.

But it's like this and we can and then we have to clarify the relationship.

But it's like relationships are a long, long process.

But if we have good relationships, then we can agree on, well, like where and how, and what we can, well, like help our parents, but again, it's like helping normally, building relationships normally, but they start, I'm so, you know, hardly we will be listened to live, well, it seems like a lot of people are already that age, well, it seems like a lot older, but I think, well, you know, if I'm 40, then 4 45 50 35 plus.

If we have listeners, then I tell you, well, who raised their children, then I say that, well, upbringing began when you were carrying them.

But it seemed like it started then.

How did you treat them? What did you put into them? Well, it seems like it is now today, because well, we do come from childhood.

I know that now we are a little bit spammed with all those things that my mother is to blame for everything or my father and all that stuff.

But, well, it seems like the fact is that we all come from childhood, that we somehow nurtured this relationship, that a bad relationship with my mother or father did not fall on me today.

It was nurtured for years before that.

And that sometimes this the relationship is impossible to resolve, and sometimes it takes a lot of time to resolve it, and sometimes you have to accept a compromise, which will be like this.

Well, it's all very, well, depending on many life stories.

Here.

But if we go back to the beginning, then we say and it's like that while we have small children, we invest in them, we give them a lot, while learning to understand that each time they stand a little further.

When the children grow up, we also return to ourselves, remember who we are and what we do in our lives.

Then we help and nurture the relationship with the children at a distance.

And if we nurture it, then when we change roles and we need help, we hope, we can hope that they will want to help us.

Well, because this, because this is natural, because where there is a relationship, well, it's like even our ether today with you is because of the relationship, because we had the first ether.

This ether was for us okay with you, we we chatted and then we say, I say: "No, I don't really like online".

You say: "Well, we need to play this online".

I say: "Well, okay, because there is a relationship".

That is, it's not random, this is already this, that is, we already had something with you.

Yes, then we want to meet each other. And that's okay.

But it's like the next time you say: "Volodya, you will be in Kyiv, like I invite you from a new topic".

Then I'll announce it to you so that she doesn't forget.

Friends, write questions or topics in the comments.

Well, it's like then we go to meet each other. Yes. The same with our parents.

If I have a good relationship with them, well if, well I have parents, if my parents needed help now, well obviously, I would them, well there's no question, this, so that they ask me directly, you know, Volodya, we beg you.

No, exactly.

Just say that It happened and I, well, as if I were helping.

Whether it was my parents or my wife's parents, well, it's not even a question, because there is a relationship.

It is sometimes more complicated, sometimes simpler, sometimes with such boundaries, sometimes with such boundaries, but it, well, it seems to be building up.

But you mentioned parents who, for example, have lost their capacity due to a certain illness, and, for example, have become disabled or really have Alzheimer's disease.

And here is a very complicated question, actually, because a decision needs to be made.

Very often in our culture it is accepted that then children take their parents to themselves and take care of them.

In contrast, for example, there is experience abroad, where there are geriatric centers in quite good condition, because we have state geriatric centers, well, such conditions there are not really for living, but, probably, there are also private ones.

And this is also a very difficult decision.

Perhaps we can give some advice to adult children who find themselves in such a situation situation.

How is it possible to even talk to yourself internally here? There is also a question, well, first of all, it is a question of opportunities.

In Ukraine there are centers, and supposedly care centers, and supposedly centers with good conditions.

They cost money. Okay. Well, it is as if there is such an option.

The question, again, is can I afford it? This is the first question.

Yes, this is the second question: can I afford to take care of my mother and father at home? Well, it is also a question, but do I have a place to live, time, effort for this? But it is as if if I can be at work all the time, well, I can't be at home, and my mother needs care all the time, well, then, well, there will be a way out.

That is, it is a question of many circumstances, and as if in which we find ourselves.

This is also, I think, what we will do with love in specific circumstances, this will be the best solution.

Because with love it means that I don't want to get rid of you, I want to find a way out.

But circumstances dictate that now this way out is possible.

Then we we accept this solution.

Well, it seems that if there is a desire to take care of you in the way that we can afford today, then this will be the best solution.

And it will be different for different people.

That is, not to be like that, you know, there may be a simple feeling of guilt, for example, that we are giving it to our parents.

The antidote is with love.

Because if I say with love that, well, really, I can't leave my job, I can't do this, and you need help there to inject there, well, like some three times a day, well, then well, like I can hire a person who will do this.

Or you can be in this one, but I can't leave, because if I leave my job, we will all die of hunger.

Well, like, well, what's the joke.

So this is also your decision, because again, one thing will be with Alzheimer's, and another thing will be with oncology.

But it seems that when mom and dad, well, with full memory, with full consciousness, then they will also make decisions.

And they can say, "I want to live with you. Again, find me a sitter and I'll die at home.

either send me to the hospital, well, like I want to be in the hospital, I don't want to be at your house, or I would like to be, well, that is, it will depend on a lot of circumstances.

And there will be guilt in any case, because when we talk about, well, because there's a lot of fear, uncertainty, uncertainty, no one has the right answer, so there's always a place where this guilt can, well, kind of turn around.

Then we come back to the fact that I do this with love and I do this in certain circumstances, that in these circumstances I can do this.

And many of us will be with our parents at home, because we have the opportunity or don't have the opportunity to have our parents in a good geriatric center.

Abroad, more people will be in geriatric centers because the conditions there are excellent.

But it seems that people have more opportunities for this.

But here and there we will love our parents.

I have a final question to wrap up our conversation.

It always comes up when we talk about parent-child relationships, because from some we hear that yes, this is how it is, and from others the opposite opinion, when they are completely against it.

Can parents be friends with their children? They can.

They can, again, well, it's like this and that, but it's like a parallelism of trolls, because well, it's like, look, the fact that I'm your friend doesn't deny the fact that I'm your father and that there are situations in which I 'll be your father, but there are situations in which, well, we can have a friendly chat.

When we discuss football, well, God, I don't play footy, God, football.

Well, there, well, okay, to football, come on. Harry Potter. I know you read Harry Potter to your kids. Harry Potter.

Yeah, when we talk about Harry Potter, we can be friends, you know, I can be like, "No, Snape is the best in the world, and my kids" Lucia can be like, "No, I'm in Ravenclaw anyway, and I don't care.

" Well, like your Slytherins and Gryffindors, you know.

Well, like we can all hang out here together.

When we make a decision today, conditionally, about which school to go to, I'm a parent and, well, I kind of sit down with the children and explain why we go to which school, which school we have the opportunity to go to, which school we don't.

And it will be like this at any age, that in adolescence we can fish together and chat about some secrets, some things.

But there will be questions, well, like in which, well, my son or my daughter will need my care, protection and I will be in the role of a father.

So it's not like if I become your friend, I stop being your father.

If we replace this role alone, then no, it's impossible.

But if we add to that, there is a time when I am just a father.

But it's like, what else is there, but there's a time when we can hang out.

But just like you and I, if we're now in the role of podcast host and who am I being hosted on the podcast, right? But you and I can be a guest on a podcast or we can sit there with you over coffee and I won't be trending so much anymore.

And you, well, it's like we're going to talk about, I don't know, this one about why Zelensky will or won't sign the law on NABU and SAPO today and whether it will destroy the Ukrainian anti-corruption system or not.

It's just that today you will see it and you will already know the answer.

Alena and I don't know yet.

You 'll know when you listen to this podcast, but today we're going to talk to you about it.

We will be in different roles, we will be more in friendly roles.

Yes, well, it's like a bet. And we will be interested in each other. So it's normal to have different roles. And you can be a friend to your child. Just not just a friend.

No one will ever take the role of a father away from you throughout your life.

Class. We had a great conversation.

I hope that we were very useful to our viewers, because the topic is quite relevant and will never lose its value, because what will remain stable for us will always be the relationship between parents and children.

Volodymyr, I am very grateful to you for visiting us like this, but I am waiting for you in the studio in September.

Okay. Hello, I am grateful to you too. Thank you to everyone who listened to us.

You and I have over-restricted again, Lechas, and I hope there will be many comments under this video.

This is how it will have many applications. Loan.

Friends, subscribe to our channel, like this video, and don't forget to turn on the bell so you don't miss the next episodes of the podcast "How to Live" and life interviews.

Thank you very much for watching. Until next Saturday. [music] Ah.